The “Latest” Health/Diet Food Craze
I just got back from Kroger’s. I went there to buy exactly one thing. Second time this week, in fact. And ONCE AGAIN I came back with nothing! This is what I found when I looked for RICE CAKES, my one desire and a staple of my diet. Unbelievable! Every bleepin’ pack except two were gone from the middle shelf, and I don’t go for the two flavors that were left. Also the more expensive ones on the bottom shelf ($2.39 vs. $1.79) were GOA (Gone on Arrival). Let’s examine this situation a bit further.
Here’s what I was looking for. (What you see is all I have left at home and I’m getting a bit panicky). To make things worse, I don’t even care for the White Cheddar flavor and without these blue and white guys, I’m sure to get back into bread (or cooked rice, or pasta, or — OMG! — pizza) as a food staple and again I’ll start battling weight gain. I do so well when I avoid those killers just listed. I’ve asked Kroger several times to keep an eye on that “snack section” so they can keep up with the demand, but do they understand the potential bonanza gains they could realize from this product alone ? Of course not. (I mean how much could a rice cake cost to produce? Pennies, right? At 10 per pack, that’s a nice mark-up.)
And the item that was totally sold out on the bottom shelf? Well, here it is at the left: Quaker Rice Cakes. They come in several flavors as well, but every one of them had been snapped up too. Maybe it’s because they have 5 fewer calories per cake than the cheaper Kroger brand, though they cost 33% more. I don’t know, but any way you look at it, RICE CAKES seem to be pretty popular.
A quick look at the ingedients might help explain things better.
The makings of Kroger’s White Cheddar Rice Cakes (shown above at the left) leave me cold. These rice cakes have but five more calories than the plain ones (shown at the right), but all those calories seem to be made up of chemicals I don’t understand or stuff that I don’t need. Artificial flavor? Dipotassium phosphate? Those dreaded “corn syrup solids”? And the result is no improvement from the plain Low Sodium Rice Cakes. In fact, I like the plain ones much more.
Maybe here’s the reason. Look at the elemental beauty of those ingredients at the right: whole grain brown rice, salt, and… and… that’s it. That sounds pretty healthy, doesn’t it? This stuff is about as close to tasteless as one can get (and still call it food), but the rice cake only serves as a platform for the delectables that you pile on top of it. An open-faced sandwich, if you will. Take out three rice cakes, some cracked pepper turkey — that’s what I’m into lately — diced tomatoes and cucumbers, and a sprinkling of low calorie cheese and you have a whole meal weighing in at under 400 calories. Warning: you do not want to walk around eating these like you would a sandwich (assuming you can walk and eat at the same time). Much of it will end up on the floor. In fact be sure to eat right over your plate, like you were in a baby’s high chair. Rice cakes have a tendency to flake/crumble/crack/whatever. A small price to pay for getting the upper hand on your fight against fat cells (which, when you think about it, outnumber you by the millions. Not a fair fight at all.)
Finally, what about those rice cakes that still remained in two neat rows on the bottom tier. Why didn’t they run off the shelves as well?
I’ll tell you why. Though this brand — Lundberg — may have better ingredients, definitely more heft, and healthier looking packaging, it only took me a one-time purchase to decide I didn’t like them very much. Maybe it’s just me. Wait! It’s not just me. The evidence is right in front of you. There are are, totally exposed in their rejection and loneliness.
Now I’ve been using these things for a few years and my girlfriend thinks I’m crazy, but I’ve run into a few more people lately who buy them regularly — one who eats them without any toppings; he actually likes the taste — and the evidence is showing up on the snack aisle. I think many people are like me. They buy six-eight packages at once and we’re set for several weeks at least.
So snap to it, Kroger! You have a hit on your hands and you’ve neglected it. As have so many of us looking for a fighting chance against thunder thighs, double chins, and belt coverers.
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About the Author: Normally Daniel Berenson is supposed to be taking care of Freaky Dude Books, the site he maintains with Dr. Crankenfuss. Also he’s only one story short of finishing Stories Guaranteed to Make You Even Sicker. But he’s been off on this bird quest and he’s busy Spanish telenovelas trying to improve his Spanish and he also just finished his third semester teaching English to recent immigrants. He hopes to get the Freaky Dude Books back on track soon if for no other reason than to keep Dr. Crankenfuss off his back.
Please follow me if you wish. I’d like that. I’ll be back with more articles. My mind is a fertile if unsanitary place, and the home of many suspect colonies of growth.
