Practically News
Roger Goodell Continues to Maintain that Super Bowl LIII Didn’t Suck
Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, including
1) the lowest viewing audience in ten years,
2) the lowest scoring game in Super Bowl history,
3) the first Super Bowl in 50 years to not have a touchdown pass,
4) a game in which the longest offensive play all night went for 29 yards, and
5) an evening which set a national record for people being admitted to medical facilities as a result of “catatonic boredom,” (a new designation
created out of necessity by the National Centers for Disease Control),
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has doubled down on his contention that the 2019 Super Bowl wasn’t “garbage TV.” “The game was indeed a classic, a game of wits, acumen, and subterfuge, a defensive gem that will remembered as an awe-ful game down through the ages,” the Commissioner boasted at a news conference on Monday.
Pressed by a gaggle of incredulous reporters, the Commissioner declined to provide evidence for his assertion beyond Facts #2–5 above.
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Practically News is a satiric feature created by Daniel Berenson and is not intended to cause harm to anyone, be it physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, or what-have-you.
